


Hold me close, dear

by halesiias (orphan_account)



Series: In case you feel like dying [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: ;), But youre welcome, I dont have any explanation for this, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-14 04:38:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9162340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/halesiias
Summary: I could fit the entire fic into the summary box if I wanted to so all of you would be forced to read it regardless of whether you clicked on it or not. I could do it...but I won't. You're welcome.





	1. Chapter 1

One night Shrek was on Tumblr dot com. Suddenly he came across a picture of homosexual ice skaters. Foaming at the mouth, he screamed, "YEEAAAHHHH BBBOOOIIIIII!!!"

Shrek smashed his head on his keyboard and accidentally went to the Russian skater's profile. He was so turned on by his gorgeous eyes and shiny, luscious forehead. He had to meet that man. He asked him a question that said, 'Hi my name is Shrek and I luv ur blog. U and ur boyfriend are hot. meet n fuck?'

And then he waited. Finally, the question was answered. He clicked on the message and gasped. It said, "Hi Shrek! Thanks for the compliment! I look on ur blog and u ar very hot an sexy. im up for meet an fuck and so is yuuri ;)))"

Shrek gasped and sent another message, asking the time and place, and fell asleep on his keyboard smiling, knowing he would meet the loves of his life the next day.

*** * ***

Shrek awoke and screamed. He tore off his ugly ratskin jacket and replaced it with a fresh gucci tracksuit and yeezys. "This outfits screams sexy. Perfect."

He hopped into his 2004 Ford Explorer and cruised down the highway listening to Gasolina, his favorite song. Shrek didn't know SPanish, but he knew Daddy Yankee would only say the sweetest of words to him.

 

Finally, after listening to his favorite daddy on repeat for 7 hours Shrek was in Russia. He stood at the meeting place, eager to meet his fuckmates, and gasped giddily as they appeared before him.

"Hi Shrek! This is me boyfriend Yuuri. Yuuri, this is Shrek. Ready to get kinky ;)))))))"

Yuuri smiled, "HI Shrek. I cant wait to get kinky ;))))"

 

And so they were off towards the container store, where Victor promised they'd fuck in the bathroom. But, as they went in, they were greeted with a terrible sight.

 

Yuri Plisetsky was kissing Shrek best friend!

 

"Donkey!" shrek roared. "WHat th Fuck brah?????"

 

"Oh Hi shrek! thi s me boyfriend yurio! he is cute and russian"

 

Victor gasped. "Yurio has a boyfriend? oh my god congratulation."

 

Yuuri however was angry. "Yurio this is OUR fucking spot. gtfo."

 

Yurio burst into tears. "I just want love!"

 

Yuuri sighed and turned to his boyfriend and Shrek. "Lets go to petsmart instead. this is yurio's stall. okay?"

 

And so they went to petsmart and did the do. afterwrds, they ate birdseed until they choke like makkachin.

 

**THE END (?)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no recollection of writing this chapter at all. I think it was late at night though? It sounds like something I'd do

Yurio was angry. Victor, the piggy, and the ogre had eaten all of his Kelloggs Frosted Flakes® and had forgot to buy some more. They always eating his food. He was nearly out of options, and very, very hungry, so hungry that he felt like he would die if he didn't eat. So he did the only thing he could. He did the cannibalism.

Yurio ate dem SpaghettiO's like nobodys business and dip honey nut cheerios inside to get the whole cannibalism experience. Yurio moaned. The cannibalism was delish, almost as yummi as the birdseed he found the three idiots dying from in the hospital. What was not delish was how naked they were. Yurio wanted to choke on birdseed too when he saw their dingie dongies out in petsmart.

Yurio's phone rang and he answerd it. "Sup bicthes," he slurred as he washed his cannibalism down with a shot of fireball and an entire cup of nail polish remover. "I can't believ I hasnt dead yet. Is cant believes."

The greenie on the line roare, "Yurio are you doing another cannibalism? i cant take u to the hosptial now, and if u dont go ull die. do u want to die yurio?

"Is this rel life," he ask while spinning in circle. of course Yurio wanted to die. His boyfriend died recently, passing away of a horrible birdseed stuck in his sarcophagus. thats the right word. i swear.

Donkey was have the depression and the gay inside, and he resort to the alcohol and sharpie until he die of horrible death. a birdseed in the coffin. now Yurio, poor tiny yurio was a single pringle and very lonely. He had Mila, but last he heard of her she ran off with Shrek's ex-wife and their ogre babies to raise a family.

Now yurio was alone. it wasnt fair that Victor got two fuckmates. so unfair. yurio was alone and victor was having a party, dancing to Gasolina all night with his lovers. Yurio loved Gasolina. Yurio was sad.

so he flop to ground like a dead rose wilting in the hot summer rain, and die of the cannibalism combo. well, not die. but he did pass out until the three fuckies recue him and made him trow up the chemicals.

 

* * *

"oh my god am i dead yet?' yurio squeal.

shrek shook his big green booger-like head sexily, his ray bans nearly falling off his giant gourd nose. "no, yurio. u cant escape yet.i still have big plans fo-"

suddenly, a beam of light fell frm th ceiling and pick yurio up, swingning him around like a doll. he threw up his cannabalsm and turned a gren as shreko was before passing out.

from somewhere in the distance yuuri laugh. this was all his plan to get yurio to the dead so he can win the gold medal and get smoochies from vitya at the podium bc he won the gold.

except yuuri wsnt really yuuri.

he was actually he little annoying gignerbread man gingy from the shreko world and he wanted to get toungue kissies from vitya bc vitya was so sexy in those gray sweatpants, skrillex shirt, and cruggs. abslutely tastee.

gingy in yuuri's skin suit cackle and flew vr russia like a witch. he then tackl vitya and he laugh as his head hit the cement. the world went dark and gingy started kissy vctor until victor turned purple and exploded from kissies.

shrek screamed. both of his fuckmates were dead, and so was donkey and yurio, and his wife was gone with the redhead lesbian. shrek started cryign and took yurio's thrown up cannibalism, downing it in one go, and die right there on the street of russia.

 

* * *

heaven was fun. yuuri was there, and victor was there, and donkey, and even yurio. only donkey and that evil king jj burned in hell, an they had a feat as they wastched the two slowly disintegrate in the pit. yurio was especially happy. he toasted to the new life, the new happiness, and new friends.

he took a sip, and then he was back at his table, holding an empty box of Kelloggs Frosted Flakes®. He dropped the box.


	3. Chapter 3

yuri gasp and threw cereal against the wall. he shouted, "VICTOR WHAT TH E FUCK????"

victor came in, a large blunt in his mouth. he grinned and said, "so u like the weed yuri? have you tried lsd? its v good."

yuri gasped, "wheres shrek and my boyfrien???"

victor looked confuse. "WHat is a shrek? an onion???"

Yuri looked at him, red eyes tearing up. "So...none of that was real? u guys didnt choke in petsmart? I didnt go to heaven? and...donkey isnt real?"

victor patted his shoulder. "I'm sorry, yuri. the drugs must've gotten to you."

yuri grit his teeth and grabbed the blunt from victor's mouth, popping it in his instead. "im gonna go kms. night bitch."

and so yuri actually went to heaven.

 

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> For Celina on Twitter who suggested this ;)))))


End file.
